I hate to start a post on a negative note, but WHAT. A. DAY. YESTERDAY.
I was at work, still COVID.
The patient I looked after previously has sadly passed away. That zoom call I quickly organised was the last time his family saw him talking and actually, being himself.
Another patient I was looking after a few days ago is now being palliated- we helped his wife of 40 years wearing all the PPEs correctly so that she could come in and hold his hand in his last moments.
As professionals, we should never get attached to patients. But we do. Because, it turns out, we are humans.
On this note, I had the privilege to look after one particular patient who was the same age as my father. I think the combination of his age and the fact that my dad was in hospital at that time made me really emotional when looking after him. He was the sweetest man. Always smiling, remembering everyone's name (even with all the PPEs on, how could he?), always thanking everyone. On the last day I told him what a honour had been to look after him, and that he was a really sweet person. He replied with that giant smile of his, and wished me a good rest after my hard work. He was intubated overnight due to a general deterioration of his respiratory picture. After a few days we found out he had a stroke. He will never wake up. He will never share that smile with anyone else.
I don't think people out there truly understand how heartbreaking it is to witness these stories, day in and day out. I think the last straw yesterday was, after helping a wife with ppes; and knowing that that particular patient had a stroke; I also organised a zoom call for yet another patient and I listened as her daughters sang to her "Take me home, country roads". I am a huge John Denver's fan; my mum is as well. I will not lie, I cried in my PPEs. The emotional overload is huge. All these lives, coming and going, the loneliness of it all. And you try to emotionally distance yourself from these paths of life, but it all boils down to: it could be your dad. It could be your mum. They are parents, brothers, sisters, friends of someone who will not be able to say goodbye.
If there are any nurses, doctors, healthcare professionals that want to get in touch, please do. And let's be kind to each other.
So what do I do to make myself feel better? Thankfully I have a very understanding boyfriend (also a nurse) who listens to my rants every goddamn day.
I had a good cry this morning, as last night I was still overwhelmed y it all.
When life gets very raw and very deep, I need to do something equally shallow to sort of counteract the sadness of it all. So I did my nails.
With gloves and alcohol gel, and the hand washing, my nail have gone very brittle.
Love the 4 way nail buffer from Superdrugs. I am really into sparkling nail polishes lately. The Barry M Crystal Rok gives beautiful coverage, and they are available in different colours (and cheap!!). I myself have bought three different colours so far. And still buying...
I adore the Rimmel 60 seconds super shine line, because who has time to wait for nails to dry, really. This particular colour is called Royalty. We all need little royal treats right now. All available at Superdrugs. Also can I just say nobody pays me to advertise certain products (I bloody wish!!!) I just love them :)
Went for the white moonstone colour, it is beautiful, it looks classy, and it looks wintry, a bit like snow. Wishful thinking, I guess- I do love a bit of snow around Christmas time.
13.17 and still haven't moved from the bed. I guess after my rant online I can go on and start with my day.
Again, reach out if you ever want a chat. And don't bottle up, we are not hard containers and we are not meant to.
Take care out there,