This December has been a strange year. And it's only the 11th!
I cannot stress enough how much I love Christmas, I love the lights, the glitter, the Christmas drinks/parties at work, wrapping presents, all of it. I can't say this year has felt very Christmassy. I still loved doing the decorations, the tree, and Christmas shopping, BUT (I'm sure you felt it as well) everything is feeling a bit different. And I think the biggest change is: people are not happy. People as in: humanity. Whilst we usually try to be thankful and joyous when Christmas approaches, I think the notion of the people and the things we lost overshadows the good.
Let's be honest for a second: we can tell ourselves that 2020 has taught us a lot, how to be alone, the things that really matter, new values, and most of these things can ring true but, at least to me, it seems a very stretched silver lining. So so so stretched, intact, that we can't tell if it is silver anymore. Looks a little grey, if anything.
In this climate, I would love you to know, it is ok to wake up and not knowing what the fuck to do with your day.
I know I did today.
I was on a long day at work yesterday, and I felt dead tired when I finally rose from my bed at 13.30.
I had two patients that were transferred to the COVID ITU as they unfortunately tested positive. The unit was as busy as ever, and I only had a chance to eat when I got home at around 21.30.
The morale of the nurses has reached an all-time low.
One of my best friends happens to be a colleague, and because of our shifts pattern, I rarely meet her at work. Turns out, because we are in the midst of a global pandemic, I can't meet her outside either.
She is an incredible, amazing, bubbly and overall FANTASTIC human being, qualities that translate in her nursing career. She treats every patient as she would her own mother or sister; I would want her as my nurse if I was on the brink of death.
She gracefully provides the best care whilst being empathic, and kind, and all the things that I aspire to be in my job, and honestly, in life. I am quite a grumpy creature, definitely more of an introvert than an extrovert, so I am very jealous of lovely, bubbly people like her.
We met when I started this job, and as I repeated to her a million times: I hated her at first sight. She was too happy, too loud- all things that I came to love in zero time when at a work buffet she made a very loud and inappropriate comment about little sausages. We all have a friend like that.
So it came to a shock to me when a champion of resilience like her was struggling at work- because it takes a lot to break someone like her. And she sounded a little broken.
I think we all are. I speak with my colleagues, day in and day out, and most of them either cry at work, or when they get home. Work is hard, and life outside is hard.
It's hard listening to people who thinks that COVID doesn't exist, and to those who thinks that the mask will give them CO2 cancer, or that we are injecting 5G, so please please if you are one of this fuckwits, just close this page and fuck off where you belong. Truly. THIS is consuming enough without you sharing your misinformed ideas with your mask hanging off your chin, all the while spreading a deadly virus around.
I usually go for a run in the morning, and I rant in my head for about half an hour, and then I go home and feel slightly better. Today I didn't because I honestly felt my legs could not take it.
So I put make up, and chose a nice outfit. Because in a world that we cannot control, this is still something I can be in charge of. And I just wandered around London. Because if you look closely, beauty is still out there. We just need to look for it a bit deeper, I guess.
I miss a lot of things. Jut to grab a pint WITHOUT a substantial meal, surrounded by my friends- I would pay good money to make that happen.
I miss travelling.
I miss that as a nurse I was blessed with having 6 days off for Christmas this year, and I can't fly home- and even if I could I wouldn't because I'd be too afraid to be positive and kill off my family.
I miss enjoying time with family without being afraid that I might be positive for Rona, but I was swabbed last week and I was negative but now I have an itchy throat and oh my god do I feel feverish , or am I making myself feverish by overthinking that I might have caught the virus when I had coffee that one time at that bar? Because that is how I felt when I saw my parents in the summer. I love them, but I did not enjoy the feeling of being constantly so, so, so aware of the worst case scenario. It is absolutely exhausting.
Sometimes I wish I had no brain, and be one of those that doesn't believe in COVID. How easy life would be. To be blessed with ignorance.
- Jeans and top by River Island
-Hat by H&M (absolutely adore it)
-chunky boots from UGG