To show or not to show

Updated: Dec 8, 2020 face. At the moment I do feel a bit too shy and insecure to show it. So, pardon me, while I blur it out and re-gain my self- confidence!

Why starting a blog? 2020 has brought very little joy. So I realised that maybe, we should all sit down ( or stand and walk, or lie down, whatever suits ya) and think long and hard about what we enjoy doing. God only knows we witnessed how short life can be. And how things can change in an instant. It seems yesterday that my boyfriend and I took a vacation abroad and we still remember watching the news and hearing of this Corona. It seemed distant, and because it seemed distant, it was not scary.

This was January. Little we knew of what was to come.

As a background, I am a nurse. I work in adult Critical Care.

What my colleagues and I went through; it is daunting only thinking about it. I sometimes look back and cannot make sense of the things that we endured in the last few months.

Spotify just gifted us our 2020 wrapped up in the songs we listened the most: I loved it, and at the same time I realised how many of these songs I cannot listen to anymore.

One is from a singer I absolutely adore, Sia's "Unstoppable". I would listen it on my way to work during the months of the first lockdown, and I will sing the lyrics to myself whilst applying the PPEs.

"I put my armor on, show you how strong how I am I put my armor on, I'll show you that I am

I'm unstoppable I'm a Porsche with no breaks I'm invincible Yeah, I win every single game I'm so powerful I don't need batteries to play I'm so confident Yeah, I'm unstoppable today Unstoppable today"

I can't listen to that song anymore. Not for now at least, without feeling all the feelings. And I don't want to go there because is dark, and twisted, and-

it is still happening. Just last week I worked two shifts in the COVID ITU, trying to avoid for a young man to be intubated.

If you don't work in the sector, the lack of oxygen can and will make you more anxious and confused. I tried my best to reassure him and trying to keep his CPAP mask on in order for him to get the oxygen he so badly needed, but he unfortunately deteriorated. I left at 8 in the evening to go home, and he was intubated shortly after.

We witnessed a lot of patient being intubated because of COVID, and it feels like a jump into darkness; or a leap of faith if you will? I did lose a lot of my optimism along the way.

You never know if the patient will make it or how the disease will take hold of their bodies but it is usually a log way before they are out of the woods.

It is hard to describe the sense of despair when my colleague told me about the deterioration of this patient who I cared for for two entire days. I saw the deterioration first hand, organised a zoom call with his family in an attempt to calm him down- and that zoom call is the last time that his family has seen him before he was sedated and intubated.

We seem to have entered this tunnel of horror at work back in March that is still going on...

The only thing that gave me a bit of joy was putting together a good outfit on my day off- nothing like a good style to lift my spirit up.

OBVIOUSLY we are still in lockdown so all my outfit saw was my local Tesco- but every little helps! (or so they like to say)

I loooooooove the colours of this top. It is an ancient top, inherited from my sister almost 20 years ago. It's got the whole asymmetrical, loose sleeves bit that I adore. It goes well with any simple black trousers/leggings, jeans, anything you like. Chunky boots make it a bit punk and dramatic- but it can be more fun with a pair of trainers. Mine are from UGG.

I had a very dramatic make up as well, a mix of blue and turquoise eyeliner, and to top things up, a felt hat.

Mine is from H&M, very cheap BUT it makes you feel immediately stylish. It also covers a bad hair day, which I tend to have A LOT of.

So off I went to Tesco, where I bought the ingredients to make my food to bring to work for my next shifts.

A good bright outfit pulled me out of my misery for a little bit.

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Take care out there,



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